TWO GARDENS

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When we first bought our little cottage on the lake my friend John said I’d set myself up for a “schizophrenic” existence…that was about sixteen years ago and I’ve decided that he was kinda right. Most weekends we pack up and leave the Burg and head for the lake…( my Mom packs as though we’re sailing on the Lusitania for the summer in Europe). Dog stuff…music books…clothes…paint set…food…coolers etc. Maybe John was REALLY right.

  Actually, the biggest challenge is the gardening situation.  When I’m at the cottage I worry about the garden in the city, and do the same thing when I’m at the cottage worrying about Pittsburgh. I keep saying that my goal is to have one big garden…at the lake…for the summer, but then I’m in Pittsburgh for work, and I have to have my garden to keep me company there.
  I took all of last week off, and Woof and I headed north…had three yards of mulch and three yards of mushroom compost delivered. I learned early on that the soil there was lousy (lotsa clay), and that the weeds got the upper hand when I wasn’t there during the week. Woof and I worked all day the first day..then the next day it rained for 12 hours. ( Woof slept on the couch that night because I smelled like mulch ). Eventually I planted all of the vegetables, mulched the rose garden, tilled the soil in an annual bed, and filled it with giant dahlias, cosmos (in honor of my first girlfriend who planted nothing but cosmos), dusty miller, and miniature dahlias. Edged, watered, mulched, that area was finished. I then fed all of my window boxes ( white geraniums and purple and white Wave petunias )…all of the pots down on the lake deck ( red geraniums that can take a little S & M ), and eventually headed home.
  My sister-in-law and my friend Bill keep things going in the city when I’m away (jewels in their crowns in heaven)…but I’ve got lilies to stake, white and blue hydrangeas to corral with a little fence, morning glory vines to tackle, ferns to feed (they like acid)..and a few more zinnias to plant.
  Somehow the whole thing is worth it…from the gardenias that perfume the evening air, to the sweet peas that are just beginning to bloom, to the angel trumpets that loved the heat and rain of early June. A glass of wine on the back stoop held in a hand that might never be clean again…and a tired dog who also kinda smells like twice shredded mulch. It’s worth it.

BRING ON THE AXIRON !

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Now I realize that most of the ads on TV these days are for drugs…for arthritis, or sinus problems, or “bedroom” problems…like those pesky four hour “situations”…and that every drug seems to have some possibly serious side affects…like the little LUNESTA butterfly that brings a lovely eight hours of deep sleep along with a chance of getting up and driving somewhere and not remebering it.. I’ve gone on and on about these warnings before, but now I’m fascinated by a certain one…called “AXIRON” for “low T”.

  Low testosterone is the culprit..a natural process for men as they get older..because it’s not as if we men find ourselves more and more energetic as the years go by. Now with a quick swipe of what looks like a normal deodorant underarm bar, we can turn into a Dorian Gray almost overnight. The “hint” in the commercial is that the real payoff will be in our love lives…sorta like those two in the separate bath tubs holding hands in the rain forest.
  Right after the guy in the ad slides into home base…or calls the great one as the umpire,
the smooth talking announcer begins the list of possible side effects. Lets see… the wife might start to break out with lots of acne, and the kids might start showing signs of puberty when they’re six…(mom can always double up on her makeup…and your son can get his own little razor, and your daughter a training bra for kids).
  While you might feel some more energy to cut the grass, you might also develop blood clots, problems breathing, migraines, loss of hearing, blindness, and epilepsy. BUT..you’ll have a great looking lawn and a better chance in the bars after last call.  Besides getting prostate cancer and throwing up at the drop of a hat, think of all the advantages…like your little son singing bass with the second grade choir, and your daughter being allowed to shave her legs when she’s only five. The black hair on your wife’s arms can easily be covered with long sleeves, and you know she’ll forgive your bad breath, leg cramps, swollen tongue and drowsiness when you slip into bed…Man…it’s WORTH IT !!

DEAR REPUBLICANS

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   I caught a little bit of Gabriel Gomez who’s attempting to fill John Kerry’s senate seat in a special election in Massachusetts. He’s a Republican with a bit of fresh air blowing around him from what I gathered. He says he’s ashamed of his fellow Republicans for not voting for background gun checks…supports women making their own health choices, believes in marriage equality, and also in science’s position on global warming. Mr Gomez made me aware of just what path a Republican might take to advance their chances of winning an election.
  I’d suggest they distance themselves publicly from Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News. Limbaugh is a nasty voice…and one that people associate with Republicans. Glenn Beck had to be pretty nuts if they threw him off of Fox..( which is made fun of constantly by comedians and most people who know better than to be a serious viewer).
  A potentially successful Republican might also talk about the Iraq war…as an unnecessary waste of lives and money, and the result of one big lie from the Bush administration. The resulting use of torture was wrong, and admitting all of these things would show both courage and honesty. 
  Speak up new Republicans against your fellow candidates making speeches about not being a witch….about women’s bodies not allowing pregnancy after being raped….about what “legitimate” rape is, and for God’s sake…don’t force ultrasounds on anyone.
  Get with the times as far as marriage is concerned…don’t wait until your son or daughter comes out of the closet to be supportive.
  I’d hate to think that the main objective of any party is to make the opposite candidate lose…Mitch McConell’s statement during Obama’s first term  with a primary focus to “make him a one term president”…may have set an awful precedent. George Bush did some good things, as did Reagan and Nixon, to have blocked EVERYTHING they tried to do would have been a disgrace, but that’s what we’re experiencing now.
  Republicans seem to be afraid of a certain group of people…and it ain’t the Democrats.
Until they find a voice to outshout the crackpots ( Michelle Bachman…Palin…Cheney…etc)  they are going to continue to lose elections and keep the late night comedians in business….
  While it’s really important to let people know just who you are…maybe it’s time to tell them who you aren’t.

MY HUSBAND ?

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I’ve gone through quite a few different terms through the years as I’ve tried out various words when I make reference to the guy I’ve been sharing my life with for the past thirty two years. Besides referring to him as The Beast, or The Big Walrus ( both of which I use in the most loving and nicest way)…I’m past the age where I can use “my boyfriend” without sounding like Cloris Leachman in “Young Frankenstein”. He’ll often introduce me as his “mate”…which makes us sound like a couple of swashbucklers who came in on the Santa Maria.

  It seems like “companion” makes me feel like Old Yeller or Lassie, or some kind of a gigolo or at least a seeing eye dog. Now our straight friends have always been kinda waiting for us to take the lead, and tell them what terms we’d like them to use…(or lose)…
  Now the straight world never seems to have to struggle with any of the above. It’s boyfriend, fiance, wife or friend. period. As times have been so rapidly changing, we gay people have been using “partner” for quite a while, and I sorta like that…it feels comfortable….but it also feels a little bit like a business arrangement. Since we’re not married at this point, “partner’ works for me.
  A few weeks ago Barney Frank referred to his other half as his “husband”…as did the winner for the best musical on the Tony awards on Sunday. I have to admit that even being as gay as the proverbial goose, I’m still not used to hearing that…(nor is my Mom who thought her closed captioning was mixed up when she heard the word). We both came to the conclusion that it’s what many married guys are choosing to do, and something everyone will eventually get used to hearing. It’s accurate, it’s simple, and it’s true…it’s simply “new”.
  Things like that once made NEWS…now it’s becoming more and more common to see equality in action…and while some people will never accept that gay people are just different…they’ll have to continue throwing their empty beer cans at the TV when they see an interracial couple on a Cherrios ad, or when a gay man introduces his husband. They will never like it, but they’re going to have to tolerate it. Now my sidekick and I have to saddle up and weed the vegetable garden.

COSTUMES

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When I was in the first grade I remember anxiously awaiting Halloween. My Mom and Dad had taken me shopping for a costume..and after careful consideration I chose a tiger with a long tail and a mask that would let me breathe. My best friend Sandy was as excited as I was…and we were unusually secretive about what we’d be wearing to trick or treat. When the big night finally arrived, her Mom brought her to our house,,,wearing the identical tiger costume.  Ever since that day I’ve totally understood what a woman feels like when some witch shows at a grand  gala  in an identical dress. I made a vow that night (at age 7) never to be one upped by any man, woman, or child ..anywhere….anytime.

  I’ve loved costumes my whole life…from the days when we bought a family Bible (unusual for Catholics….since we kinda ignore it)..and I discovered a  section of portraits of all the Cardinals..in fabulous lace, red satin trains, and gorgeous long gowns, to my first glimpse of big ugly men in dresses. During my nun phase ( which preceded my homosexual phase ), I often ran around with a group of friends any time of the year, in full habit. ( If you’ve known me long enough…you’ve probably donned a wimple at some point ).
  We’ve had a couple of “Myth America” pageants, talent shows, three or four nun runs ( 57 nuns on a school bus…bar hopping ), and over the top Halloween parties. Most of us look really scary as women…beards etc…but there are the Andrew’s and Peter’s and Jeff’s ( happy birthday ) who look really pretty…and sexy in their sister’s(or wife’s) to die for evening apparel.
  Over the years I’ve collected a multitude of costumes..all of which are stored in a third floor”costume room”. Just recently two good friends borrowed Southern Belle gowns and parasols for a Kentucky Derby party. Any time I come across an enormous prom dress or a particularly hideous bridesmaid dress…in a size 24 or so, I snatch it up…(and sneak it in to the house) to add it to the collection. I was horrified when I realized that I my self require a size 24 in order to look ravishing. (My friend George reassured me that at least it was a petite).
 I tried to sell my entire collection a few years ago on Ebay, listing it as couture that had “been around the block…had a few bite marks…rips and holes…and wine stains “ not realizing that shipping would be a fortune. My friend Dave actually “bought” it in the long run, but has yet to pick it up…and I need more space for the new Fall collection.
 When we had some work done on the house, one of the workers needed access to the costume room, and my Mother was the only one home…she took him into the sacred space and debated on whether or not she should mention the hoop skirts and high heels and ugly enormous ball gowns, say they belonged to her son, or let him wonder if they were hers. She opted for silence.
  So should you ever require a size 28 strapless and backless pea green gown with a matching boa ( slightly molting), or a gold lame mother of the bride number…just send me an email….I’m sure I have something to make you absolutely stand out at any and all social events.

INTIMACY

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I always thought of intimacy as something very sensual or sexual, and while I know that it often is related to one or the other, I’ve come to think about it more broadly as I’ve gotten older. It seems as though intimate moments can happen anywhere…with anybody, when people connect on an unusually honest level.

I’ve paid attention to those almost magical and certainly rare moments when I’ve been working in my garden (looking like I’ve been out in the fields for 50 years), and someone has stopped to talk about my “angel’s trumpet”, or my tall blue ageratum (thanks Kel). Last week a woman and her daughter stopped to ask me about growing zinnias here in the North East after having tried them in Oklahoma where she’d just moved away from. I ended up giving her some of mine that I hadn’t planted, and she left with a promise to return to walk through the garden and see the sunset on the lake. ( my partner saw us chatting…presumed it was garden talk, and that I’d probably invited her to next year’s Christmas party.
  We were guests at a fabulous wedding in Sharon Pa this past weekend, and visited old friends of his family, and I met a lot of new people after an outdoor ceremony under a beautful gazebo with a warm evening breeze completing the scene. I met people that I knew only briefly, and got to know one couple on a much more intimate level. While they live near Montreal, have vivid enough imaginations to buy a REALLY old farm that they’ll renovate and bring back to life, they both shared those refreshing personalities that made me bask in the intimacy of the connection. There’s something about transparency and openness that invited the same from me. While we talked flowers, and old houses, and childhood memories, I presumed that they had simple lives…like being potters, or making jewelry…only to find out that they both have high pressure demanding jobs. We’re going to be friends.
  From the woman who stopped me in my garden just to say hello about ten years ago, and told me she wasn’t having a very good day because she’d just had to put her dog down..after I’d just had to do the same thing a few days prior, I can still see her walking right through the mud and hugging me. That’s an intimate moment. When I snuck off my “healthy” diet and went to the drive-thru at Long John Silvers, the older man who was working the window was unusually nice and friendly..in a job that he appeared to be way over qualified for, I mentioned how refreshing his personality was. He responded with how refreshing it was to have someone acknowledge it. ( another potential Christmas guest? ) ( I’m obviously “teased” about doing that).
  I love those unexpected moments..at a plant nursery…in the supermarket…at a party where I don’t know anyone…like the time I was stuck with a large group of the rich and famous, so delighted to talk to a woman in a gorgeous gown who apologized for a dirty thumbnail that she’d somehow missed after rushing in from her garden to dress for the party. We talked for a long time.
  Intimate moments…unexpected…but always out there if I can just keep my third eye open!

QUACK QUACK HERE QUACK QUACK THERE

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My niece loves to search out the “quacks” in the professional world…like the doctor who told me I had a kidney infection and sent me home with an antibiotic when I actually had a burst appendix….or the dentist who said my wisdom teeth had to come out immediately (30 years ago…and I still have ‘em)

  Quacks is probably a good name for a lot of “religious” leaders..like the Jimmy Swaggerts and Tammy Fayes, the bishops and clergy who tell their congregations that they’re so sinful and destined for eternal damnation while they have their own little “action” going on themselves.  How about the military big wigs who guard against sexual harassment while that’s exactly what they’re up to as well.
 Lots of people have experienced quackdom in the field of psychology..from people like Mr. Michelle Bachman whose clinic attempts to turn gay people into straight people…( if Marcus Bachman is straight he ought to get his money back…..because he looks and acts like one of the campiest drag queens I’ve ever laid eyes on). The new push by the Mormon church is for “Theistic Psychology”…how God is crucial to effective thinking and therapy..(sorry atheists ….you’re sunk.)
  I hate to pick on Republicans, because I know and love a couple of them, but jeeze…they have a lot of quacks speaking for them…(think Christine O’Donnell
“I am not a witch”….  Glen Beck,..Sarah Palin who can’t name anything she reads…) , and those famous quotes about “legitimate rape”…and “sluts”.
  Mitt Romney says Obama won the election because there was a hurricane that allowed Barrack Obama to look presidential, Pat Robertson says Katrina was caused by the city allowing a gay pride parade, Donald Trump is still a “birther”, and……………………………I  think my niece is on to something.